Mummy V's Guide to Neighbours
I've moved around quite a lot in my time and have encountered all kinds of neighbour.
Here is my no-nonsense guide to the types of neighbour residing in a house near you...
The Music Fan - This type of neighbour can usually be found playing their music (if you can even call it that) on the loudest possible setting. They like to do this at all hours of the day but it is especially fun for them to play loud thudding music after midnight because why would anyone want to sleep at that time, how ridiculous!
The Over-Friendly Neighbour - This species of neighbour is one I personally dread. They happily introduce themselves when you first move in and you think 'oh how nice, they seem friendly' so you make them feel welcome. No, no, no, NO, that is your first mistake - never make them feel welcome! They turn up every day thereafter, usually with their brood in tow to "play" with your children but in reality it's just so they can annihilate your house instead of theirs. They always need to borrow something and then often forget to return it. Then one day you spot it rotting away in the corner of their garden and all of a sudden they're happily giving it back to you, but of course it's no good to anyone by this point so it ends up in the bin.
The Swearer - This kind of neighbour can be quite amusing until your children are outside playing in the garden and they hear 'MOVE OUT OF THE F*****G WAY' from next door's window. You hope that they didn't hear it but you can guarantee that they'll question you about it when their grandparents are visiting later that day! Now I'm no angel but The Swearer could teach even the most potty-mouthed individual a new word or two.
The Private Person - This species of neighbour are rather elusive and you have to be quick to catch one. They leave the privacy of their home and speed walk to their car, head down and car keys at the ready so they can jump in and make their escape. They erect huge fences or walls around their property and won't even acknowledge that there are people living around them, "Neighbours? What neighbours?".
The Animal Lover - This type of neighbour can be rather unpleasant to live next to. I'm not just talking about people who have a few animals, I'm talking about those who have turned their homes into mini zoos! That strange smell drifting over the garden fence? Oh that would be the llama poop. The cock-a-doodle-doo noise that wakes you up every morning? Of course, it's just next door's cockerel!
The Grumpy Neighbour - I actually quite enjoy annoying this kind of neighbour (tut tut, naughty Mummy V). These are the ones who love to moan, they moan about where you park your car (in our drive, in front of our house but somehow it's a problem for them). They moan about the children or dog making too much noise, they moan about your washing line blocking the sun from their garden and don't even get me started on how inconvenient it is when you have a BBQ in your own garden - the smoke (that isn't even blowing towards their garden) is simply a health hazard.
The Car Fanatic - These neighbours are easy to spot because they're usually headfirst, bum in the air, under the bonnet of yet another car. If they're not fixing something, they'll often be found hose in hand washing their beloved Betty or Bert or whatever they've decided to call this one. Their electric bill must cost a fortune because they're always out hoovering, once again bum in the air, some car or another. I've been tempted to just park mine in the line of cars and hope they'll clean that too!
The Gardener - These are a delicate bunch and my favourite kind of neighbour. They often have dirty hands or constantly walk around wearing brightly coloured gardening gloves and a weed or two tucked under their arm. They generously offer advice about the patch of dirt that you've been meaning to fill with beautiful plants for the past 5 years but haven't quite managed to get around to. They have a compost bin and bird feeders that are actually filled with bird feed, what an amazing concept! Needless to say, their gardens are immaculate, they even feed their flowers and plants - some days I struggle to feed myself let alone my plants.
I have to admit that I'm of the Private Person species, after experiencing so many of the above types of people I would rather just keep myself to myself. It simply makes our home life so much easier. Although, after writing this post I'm starting to think I have a touch of the Grumpy Neighbour too!
So which kind of neighbour do you have? And which kind are you? As always I'd love to hear from you.